It Hurts to Remember
by J. Grace Kaulitz
Summary: John Casey oneshot! Set during Chuck vs. The Honeymooners. What's REALLY going through Casey's head when he decides to let Sarah and Chuck run off together. Also partially later that night. I'm not so sure about the rating so yeah. Awful summary but read!


**A/N: I wrote this for fun to get Casey's point of view on Chuck and Sarah running off together in the episode "Chuck vs. The Honeymooners". It's a simple oneshot. I wrote it cause I wondered why Casey was willing to let them go. Since Casey is so serious, and I'm not, I had some trouble writing from his POV. I apologize if it's at all OOC.**

I can't believe Bartowski and Walker are willing to quit the NSA together. I mean, Bartowski is awful at being a spy, or so I tell him, but Walker LOVES it. She was MADE for this job. I mean, I knew how much my country meant to me when Keller told me to hurt Kathleen the way I did, but seeing Walker and Bartowski together like this makes me wonder if it was really worth it. I could have had a daughter, a wife, the family with the white picket fence that makes up the American dream. No, I had to go and choose America over that dream. As Alex Coburn, I loved Kathleen, I adored her, worshipped the very ground she walked on. Once that order came from Keller, hell, I knew I didn't WANT to break her like that, but my COUNTRY needed me. The same country that I promised to serve and risk my life for. There were no problems; I had to do it. There was no choice for me. After Alex Coburn was dead, John Casey took his place. I became John Casey. Kathleen wasn't my fiancée anymore; she was a woman who lost her boyfriend. When I found out about her little girl, OUR little girl, I wanted to go and be with them. Again, my country stepped in the way and crushed that image. Sarah and Chuck deserve the life that I can't have. They deserve the happiness that I gave up.

"Go ahead. Leave while you can." They should at least go now. Morgan and I, no matter how incompetent he is, can watch this guy and hand him over.

I could tell how grateful Bartowski was for that. He'll never know how happy I was to see him go off and get ready to start a new life, a better life, with Agent Walker. He'll get to hold his kids once their born, never miss a birthday, and come home to see their faces full of adoration every night when coming home from the Buy More. He'll get to see his little girl (or boy) grow up and become whatever they want. He and Sarah will get everything I gave up. I can't be jealous. I know that. I adore my country. I would never be selfish and think of having a great life instead of thinking of the greater good. The United States needed me, and I accepted. Who cares if I had to fake my own death? _Alex. That poor girl, who's now sixteen who's had to live without a father for no reason. Kathleen, too. The woman who loved you with all of her heart and soul._

I unconsciously reach into my back pocket, where I keep that picture of the two of them. The two people who I've probably cared the most about in my entire life. It's still there, keeping me sane and reminding me exactly why I chose my country over that dream life. I did this to keep THEM safe. To keep them safe and out of harm's way.

I could feel the scotch slide down my throat, warm and bitter, but I didn't really notice it. There were more important things on my mind. The cool air was nipping at my bare arms, but I couldn't really feel that either. The more scotch I drank, the less I noticed everything around me. Hell, a Ring agent could have come up behind me and I would have been killed before I noticed them. I felt the familiar heat taking over my body from the center out to my extremities, except I really didn't care about the soothing effects the alcohol was having on me. I guess I was numb to feeling. I mean, I didn't really feel when I found out about Alex, I didn't feel when I had to hurt Kath the way I did, I sure as hell didn't feel when I almost had to say goodbye to Walker and Bartowski today. I'd never tell the kid, but I saw a lot of myself in him. He's just as persistent, dedicated, and committed as I was as a young agent. He sure does care more than I do. The way he looks at Walker, the way he called in SWAT when he thought Shaw was going to kill her, and the way he got rid of Shaw in order to save her, all show just what I should have shown towards Kathleen. He shows the emotion that I'm always afraid to draw on. Sure, I hate crying, it's a sign of weakness, but I'd jump at the chance to go back. To hold my little girl and see her mother walk down the aisle to meet me. I wouldn't give up my life with the NSA for that chance, but just to see what it would have been like.

"Umm, Casey? Why are you sitting on your roof, drinking scotch straight from the bottle, shirtless? Is everything ok?" Ah damn, Bartowski found me. Well, at least I know he doesn't just care about his family.

"Yeah Bartowski. I am sitting up here like this cause I feel like it, alright?" I can't even be nice to him? After all that happened?

"Ok. Well, I cooked and Sarah, Morgan, and I were wondering if you wanted to join us? There's enough to go around." Ah, the kid had guts. He sees I'm angry, but he still is nice.

"Nah, it's fine. Go have fun. I'm fine up here." I really just wanted to put surveillance cameras around Kath and Alex 24/7 just to see what I was missing, however drinking myself into a stupor in the biting, night air will have to do.


End file.
